Sunday, January 30, 2011

Abundant Counsel

Inspired by my father-in-law, I decided to rekindle the habit of reading a proverb a day. There was a really tough day for me two fridays ago, and I was wrestling with thoughts of doubt and fear, and kind of a "why do I need all this help?" ('All this' meaning, a nanny, a housekeeper, had to spend several weeks at my parents the last few months, having a BYOP (p is for party) for my son's dedication.) It's not that I have to much pride to need help, but it is tempting to think that if I DO need all this help, why am I even here? This is a debilitating thought, especially if left to ponder, and will formulate into a not-great day, at least.

I needed to go this specific thought-trial to really understand the logic behind "For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds; Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ.
2 Corinthians 10:4-5

I have a very vivid imagination.

At one point, I directed a few high school musicals that made my imagination come to life. Of course, I had a great infrastructure to work within (the script), and lots of people doing an exceptional job in other areas. I loved the questions, because I always had 10 different answers and it was my job to sift through, give one or two answers, and continue on with the very broad vision. Letting go a little and sticking to a lot while keeping the main vision in mind throughout. It is tricky to maximize other people's creativity and produce a magical event, which I truly believe the shows were.

Now the script was sacred, it was not allowed to be moved, and actually functioned as a source of comfort when I had to reference it. The script is so much of a legal document, that we could not even have Chip in "Disney's Beauty and the Beast" say "girl" because in the script it said "boy." That's it. Fact. Done. The actress can be a girl but she has to pretend she is a boy and stick to the script as if she were a boy.

So, if I let one stray thought loose, it avalanches for me into a big problem. An imaginary world that I created in my mind, based on my not-truth thought. Which was the case two Fridays ago. I let a few thoughts go, realized that some issues I thought that they just didn't bother me or thought that I was holding them captive to my Script, I was really just suppressing them - that day, they all flooded forward.

I am so grateful for the re-direction to the Word, my Script, my Truth. As I read "...for by wise guidance you can wage your war, and in abundance of counselors there is victory." It was a comforting infrastructure of a truth that I can rest in. That's it. Fact. Done. When one has a trial and time of adversity, they can overcome with a lot of help.

I now know that there is no need for me to let my imagination get away from the Script. I am also sure that this will become harder and harder as I get more comfortable with the Truths in the Script and imprint them on my heart. The sin I deal with will become more detail-oriented and motive-oriented. My big mantra with the kids performing in the musical was: "I want you to know this script so well that every night you can do something fresh and new, and make it even more magical." The refinement of their details in performance were improving with each rehearsal, and then more detailed with each performance. They started to see the show on a deeper level at each step of the learning process. The final night, the new detail of the actor that played Horton the Elephant (in Seussical the Musical) thought of was bringing in a bag of peanuts for the stage crew to throw at him when he was sold into the circus.

Come on people, let's pray that we can find tiny sin hiding on a peanut-throwing level. Such a tiny tiny detail.

By wisdom a house is built,
and by understanding it is established;
by knowledge the rooms are filled
with all precious and pleasant riches.
A wise man is full of strength,
and a man of knowledge enhances his might,
for by wise guidance you can wage your war,
and in abundance of counselors there is victory.
Proverbs 24: 3-6

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

The Lighter Burden of Suffering

I've come to the revelation that the more I am suffering, the better my prayer life and studying the Word is. Let's just say that I read the Word a lot today. The worse I feel, the more likely and frequently I am to turn to the Lord for help. I can tell a huge difference when I am relying on the Lord's strength compared with when I am relying on my own.

My own: trying trying trying, doing doing doing, me me me, my my my, now now now

The Lord: relying relying relying, grace grace grace, patience patience patience, abundance abundance abundance, praise praise praise

Can we see who my God is when I am feeling great? Definitely not the Lord of Lords, King of Kings, Prince of Peace or Jehovah Jireh. Ok first commandment, I appreciate you now. I am totally putting myself and the "me" of trying and doing ahead of having a reliance and relationship with God.

And I'm beginning to scratch the surface of James 1:2-4 Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

For the first time I'm actually starting to have some understanding of this. Well, let's just stick with scratching the surface of understanding.

My new challenge is to fulfill the encouragement in 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18. Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

Even when I'm feeling stellar.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

So . . . I have been searching for information about how to change my lifestyle and daily living now that we have found out that I have Myasthenia Gravis. I haven't found that much. So here is a few tips I learned today, if you now have the disease, and would like to go to a dressy function. I speak from experience! Today I was getting ready for my niece's baptism, which was very beautiful. While getting ready, I kept bumping up against things I would have done without thinking, hitting a wall and having to adjust.

1. Take a shower the night before. I made the mistake of waiting until this morning of the event to take a shower (figuring then I could blow out my hair all cute). I was able to do it, with a break after the shower, but in general, just washing my hair while taking a shower tires my arms out. Then, holding a hair drier and round brush to get through the hair was very taxing. At least my hair came out pretty good.

2. Find a mirror that you can walk right up to. I used to love eye makeup for special occasions. I have a very cute Bobbi Brown eye gel that I always would wear. My standard procedure would be to line, curl, then apply mascara. Now this requires quite a bit of eye-lid work. I skipped the curling all together. I cannot close one eye and keep the other open in a controlled way, so my alternate plan was to walk right up to a mirror, look down, and line while both eyes were looking the same way. I also held the side of each eye while lining to keep it still. Then the mascara - Gone are the days of me throwing my head back with my mouth hanging open like a drunk person, and looking up to get the mascara on. The only way I could get the it on was to look down, head back, and apply under the lashes, or to keep eyes open and just dabble it on while trying not to blink. All this while the mirror is only an inch or two from your face. I'm not sure this is worth it, but I think my eyes at least had a little kick today.

3. Sit to do as much as possible. Dressing, lotioning, resting, brushing teeth - whatever you can do sitting, please do so you don't tired yourself out.

4. Don't underestimate the car-ride over. By the time I finished the eye makeup, shower, and hair, my arms were flagged. I had to move on with getting myself and the family out the door. I had a moisturizing foundation (yes, bobbi brown, my favorite!), blush, and lip gloss stuck in my purse, and did it in the car on the way to the event. The last 10-15 minutes of getting out the door we use totally different muscles than our arms, so by the time I sat in the car, my arms were fine. Then I could apply these final touches with no problem.

5. Wear your sunglasses. I just bought new polarized sunglasses that really take the edge off of light for me. They pretty much change bright white lights to more of an amber. So throughout the day I would discretely put them on. Today I wore them during the baptism service (overhead lighting in churches and theaters can really tired my eyes out), when I went to the bathroom, and when I was about to leave put them on before going outside to get a few extra minutes of rest for my eyes.

6. Budget your talking, eating and smiling. I am a natural smiler. It is an instinct for me to smile while having a conversation, when walking into a room, while talking to people, and especially at special occasions. So, this is particularly difficult for me. As often as I could, I would consciously not smile so I did not tire out the muscles that I use to smile. I have not mastered this in the least, but I will remember it for next time. The talking actually went well for me today. I'm surprised by how many dumb things I want to say and how quick I am to not listen to people, or to just feel like if there is silence it needs to be filled with my voice. Plus, then I could really think about what they are saying, and only respond with an answer that is more succinct and hopefully apropos. I could eat today really well, but if you are struggling with swallowing and chewing - pick some fav foods and enjoy.

7. Have fun! Enjoy everyone's company and the festivities. I totally did today!

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Feeling Not-Great

So this morning I woke up feeling very good. It was an early morning wake up for my littlest, and he adorably smiled and bobbled with joy when he saw his early warm bottle. Just when you are drudging along in thought . . . "why does it have to be 4:45 and not later, and so chilly, and am I really still sick because I feel pretty good? . . ." God just sprinkles down some joyful crumbs of life. Like my cute bobbling with joy son.

So . . . anyone? Is this the nature of the disease? Is it a flow of great days and a few not great, a balance of doing it, not doing it, and over doing it, and a waddle between them all? Or is this is more the nature of not knowing what kind of regimen to be on. "It" meaning life in general: daily living.

From the other blogs I've been surfing through, it seems like this may be the nature of the disease.

Monday, January 10, 2011

Feeling Great

Today I felt great when I woke up. I could talk and walk, and see remarkably better than in the past few months. I even have energy. I really tried to do more but not overdo it, so I brought my babysitter to the library with the children and went out. I made it to two stores, was able to eat, picked them up, and we're back home. Had a great nap and now off to eat again. I am very grateful. By whatever means God has used to show His mercy to me, I am praising Him!

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;
his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
“The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,
“therefore I will hope in him.”
Lamentations 3:22-24

You can head on over to Psalm 147, as I have been continually meditating on. Especially with the snow coming in the next few days. What a great reminder!

Friday, January 7, 2011

Household Management

This is kind of funny. I have a nanny for 2 kids and a house cleaner today. In my mind, I secretly made fun of people who need this kind of help. Usually families where both parents are doctors or in some high powered job where they don't have time for the kids and household. Then I prided myself that I was doing it on my own. Who needs help? Definitely not me! So I thought. (not to mention, I was not very good at housekeeping anyway.) How quick I was to pass judgements, not taking anyone's desires or family goals into consideration, I just judged judged judged.

Where did my gratefulness go? The gratefulness that there was a time when I did not need help. Did I serve with willing hands? Whatever my hands found to do, did I do with all my might? Definitely not. I'm not going to sit here and condemn myself, but I will reflect quickly on how I did indeed take for granted that I had hands that could do work, take care of children and keep the household going to make a haven for my family. I will confess, and then praise Him because he has already sent his Son to cleanse me of my failures. What a refreshment to know that my slate is clean and I am presented as blameless to God.

I was always better at managing things than actually doing them. I could make the lists, and if I had a little staff to execute what needed to be done, it would be done. Well, for bettor or worse, now I'm sitting in a clean house with calm children, ready for my husband to come home so we can have some nice time together this evening and weekend.

He beat me in our Race for the Galaxy game the last two nights, so I'll have to step up my game. Game on!

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Diagnosis

We now have a name. A name of what this thing is that is causing my muscle weakness and fatigue. It is -infact-myasthenia gravis. Here we go!

We're going to start with a small amount of steroid, and take it from there. I should have some kind of conclusion of how this treatment is working in about 10 days.

I had an EMG yesterday . . . did you know that your muscle can be listened to? There was this tiny needle (I'm not a needle person) in the muscle between my thumb and index finger, and then we listened to it. This was after having these interesting shock sensations done to other muscles in my neck and arm, which gave some concrete evidence in a print out (looked like a bunch of sin curves to me) that I have MG (myasthenia gravis). I had to have this physical test done, because the blood-work that tested for different antibodies that work under the heading of MG all came back negative.

So I have two kids under 3 but a lot of family support. Also, a lot of church family support. Let's see how it shakes out!

It totally felt like a "normal night" since Mike and I got to play Race for the Galaxy tonight.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

There's this strange sensation when I feel like I'm at my limit physically. Then I take some medicine and it's as if a rod was put in my back to hold me up, and a vice around my waist to keep me from walking funny. Then I can chew, and swallow, and talk, and go from smile to frown easily. I can see well, and stay on the computer or cell phone for more than 20 minutes without my eyes getting tired. Take a pill. Sit on the couch. Close my eyes.

What a funny place this world is. This body. A vessel created to spread the Word, and an available home to the Holy Spirit. I always thought I was whole. I had things together. ACtually, I felt lie I was an adult most of my teenage and twenties, and now looking back . . . I really didn't know what I was doing. Nor do I now know everything, but I do know some things. I need a serious vault of weapons for this one and drive to pray continuously. I need to get in a rut of prayer and supplication.

Join me in reading Psalm 147, to remind us how powerful God is and how much He can do.


147:1 Praise the Lord!
For it is good to sing praises to our God;
for it is pleasant, [1] and a song of praise is fitting.
2 The Lord builds up Jerusalem;
he gathers the outcasts of Israel.
3 He heals the brokenhearted
and binds up their wounds.
4 He determines the number of the stars;
he gives to all of them their names.
5 Great is our Lord, and abundant in power;
his understanding is beyond measure.
6 The Lord lifts up the humble; [2]
he casts the wicked to the ground.

7 Sing to the Lord with thanksgiving;
make melody to our God on the lyre!
8 He covers the heavens with clouds;
he prepares rain for the earth;
he makes grass grow on the hills.
9 He gives to the beasts their food,
and to the young ravens that cry.
10 His delight is not in the strength of the horse,
nor his pleasure in the legs of a man,
11 but the Lord takes pleasure in those who fear him,
in those who hope in his steadfast love.

12 Praise the Lord, O Jerusalem!
Praise your God, O Zion!
13 For he strengthens the bars of your gates;
he blesses your children within you.
14 He makes peace in your borders;
he fills you with the finest of the wheat.
15 He sends out his command to the earth;
his word runs swiftly.
16 He gives snow like wool;
he scatters hoarfrost like ashes.
17 He hurls down his crystals of ice like crumbs;
who can stand before his cold?
18 He sends out his word, and melts them;
he makes his wind blow and the waters flow.
19 He declares his word to Jacob,
his statutes and rules [3] to Israel.
20 He has not dealt thus with any other nation;
they do not know his rules. [4]
Praise the Lord!