Thursday, December 15, 2011

10 Days before Christmas

Twas 10 days before Christmas and all through the house
not a child was peeping, we already caught our one mouse.

The stockings are hung and the fourth is being made
As I sat on the couch, the mail, I needed to read.

The children are playing all quiet and calm, 
Now I can get some things on my "to do" list done.

When I peeked at the kitchen and what do I see
Mac and cheese being made by someone who's three.

The flour was out, and so was the mac, 
in a pot, in the oven of play, there it sat.  

Then our bowls were prepped,  Naomi's, David's and mine. 
"Delicious," I said as I muddled over this one. 

I will not rebuke, I'm making today lots of fun, 
"So yummy, and crunchy, and mmm...yum. yum."

We went to the toy store, the train store, out for lunch
Mailed our cards, to the cleaners, and got into the holiday crunch.

With fake cheese on the breast of the stove and the floor,
We pulled out the vacuum and cleaned up a little more.

There's more quiet playing, and that's all that matters, 
They're getting along and exploring for hours.  

What a huge blessing to be part of this nest, 
Well enough to homemake, to teach our kids is the best.

Maybe I won't get to clean every nook and cranny
Or sit and write or play with my new camera. 

But as presents are wrapped with crooked pieces of tape
The is learning going on, and that's no mistake.

As you muster your homes into holiday shape
Enjoy your moments of mess and lists, avoid haste.

For it is only by wisdom a house can be built,
As I say this David's hair is covered in milk. 

For now he's entitled, "The Milk Witch - Mommy, run!"
So I need to run- please take some time to make it lots of fun.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Where oh Where

I rarely sit alone and eat lunch.  Generally, lunch is a bustling table between clementine loving and amiable David, and talkative and inquisitive Naomi.  But on Monday, I had two wonderful helpers with me all day.  Two of my music students, were having a picnic during our indian summer afternoon with the kids on the lawn, and I was having a quiet lunch.  Sitting and eating lunch alone, however rare it is, usually leads me to either set myself up in front of the computer, put my cell phone nearby, or have a magazine, agenda, or book at hand.  But I sat at the head of our dining room table.  Bookcases to my back, and kitchen to my front, windows to my right and a piano to my left.  I never sit here.

The morning of this quiet lunch, I was jolted awake with a looming comment that Mike had casually stated when talking to friends about the job search, "I wish I had more interviews." Somehow this statement nudged me swiftly from a deep sleep to being wide awake around 5am, several minutes before the first alarm.  My do-do now-now-in-a-panic mentality led me to attach google to my hip all morning and search for job openings, mentally suppressing the overwhelming majority of which are advertised in the midwest and south.  I have a picture, several different pictures, of where I think is best for our family to live, what kind of job I think would be best for Mike, etc. I jump into a gerbil wheel and start running towards these ideas all the while disillusioned into thinking I'm getting somewhere.  But my feet are moving, so somehow, preoccupied with this idea, I feel like I'm accomplishing something.  The ability to "google something" brings with it a sense of pride that you have any and all information available at your fingertips. Not particularly true.

I sat, at the head of the table, no cellphone, computer, or magazine.  As the statement is carved into a wooden plaque, it was carving into my heart as I read, "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want."  Psalm 23:1

Oh.

Not in the way you may have read the statement, but I, miss visual learner, pictured myself as a wooly little sheep grazing on the beautiful field of grass, only knowing grass and sleep and following and grazing, and the sound of my shepherd's voice.  I have no long neck to see over the fence of the pasture, or half a sense to figure out where I'm going next.  How could I possibly scope out the world, the meadows, the fields, and the terrains, map where would be best for me to graze, and then muster up the intelligence to get myself to that location?  It's not happening.  How could I "want" when I don't even know what I am really looking for, because how could I, on all fours with bushy wool covering me, step back from the scenario, assess all objectives, make a plan and execute it.

I already have plenty of responsibilities, as helper to Mike and mother-teacher to Naomi and David, and while accomplishing them in love, can hold confidence that my Shepherd will pick out the best pasture for our family as a unit, and for the four of us as individuals.  Doing and doing will never come close to this wisdom and insight, and if you go to read the rest of Psalm 23,  you will find this is the only way to still waters- to be led, restored, and comforted.

I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep. He who is a hired hand and not a shepherd, who does not own the sheep, sees the wolf coming and leaves the sheep and flees, and the wolf snatches them and scatters them. He flees because he is a hired hand and cares nothing for the sheep. I am the good shepherd. I know my own and my own know me, just as the Father knows me and I know the Father; and I lay down my life for the sheep.  John 10:11-15


Google doesn't quite know me this well.  
Let's not get so intimate with these kinds of hired hands.  



Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Crown-like



An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who brings shame is like rottenness in his bones.

Proverbs 12:4

Oh dear!  That is frightening and exciting all at the same time.  Is there an in between?  Between Naomi posing as a Pink Pirate Princess for halloween fun, getting ready to dress up as Princess Aurora for Evie's "Princess and the Pop Star" birthday movie in a "Carriage," and my infatuation with Disney World and all the princesses therein, I am am inundated with the idea of a crown.

What really is a crown?  My friend Anita and I were discussing it a while back.  It denotes position, it sparkles, it is polished and kept in a safe spot when not being worn, it stands tall and poised, shows authority, reveals someone in a position of trust, leadership, and regality.  Without a crown, someone could be walking by, and you would never know their bloodline or stature.  They immediately become average-joe-like and once the crown is revealed, people buck up with respect for the person.   How crown-like are we? We talked quite a bit of how un-crownlike we were, worked ourselves into a frenzy, and then back to an excitement about this new idea of executing our roles as wives with crown-like intentions.

We held a lot of comfort in the idea that the power and authority does not come from the crown itself.  The crown tells about the power that one has and adorns the wearer's head.  It's like a tree's leaves rustling.  We may say, "Listen to the wind in the trees."  Is it really the wind or the leaves that we hear?  It is most definitely the sound of the leaves rustling because of the power in the wind at that moment. It is the branches swaying that we see, but the strength of the wind is where the movement comes from.

Now, do you have a clear picture of where the real leadership royal bloodline comes from?  I'd love to say it is because I have done this or that and my charm and personality has empowered Mike to be able to wear a crown.   I'm so glad it's not true though, because I'm sure I would have positioned some kind of crown a little closer to the top of my head then actually striving to be a great crown.  All my energy would be going to where the crown is sitting, rather than expending my energy on sitting tall, standing firm, and letting the jewels speak for themselves rather than explaining what a ruby, sapphire, or diamond is. If you ask how we met, it would be obvious that it was not our own intentions that brought us together.

So I will then ask this question, one of my favorites for Naomi, "Who has gathered the wind in his fists? Who has wrapped up the waters in a garment? Who has established all the ends of the earth? What is his name, and what is his son's name? Surely you know!" (Prov 30:4) As she is sitting on my lap with half of a princess outfit on and a cartoon shirt with Princess Aurora, Cinderella, and Snow White, I was typing out loud, and her response is, over and over "God and Jesus."


Here are some pictures of crowns from the Netherlands.  We are both half Dutch, so this country seemed the most apropos. What kind of crown do you want to be?

Rangkronen-Fig. 01-Niederlande.pngKingRangkronen-Fig. 01-Niederlande.pngPrince
(royal family)
Rangkronen-Fig. 10.svgPrince
(nobility)
Rangkronen-Fig. 04.svgDuke
Rangkronen-Fig. 15.svgMarquessRangkronen-Fig. 14.svgCountRangkronen-Fig. 18.svgCount
(alternative style)
Rangkronen-Fig. 23.svgViscount
Rangkronen-Fig. 27.svgBaronRangkronen-Fig. 34.svgHereditary Knight
(Erfridder)
Rangkronen-Fig. 34.svgJonkheer



Wednesday, October 26, 2011

A Rocky Month but a Steady Mind

This month was interesting in particular. I attempted all kinds of things like over-scheduling, scheduling (which if you know me is quite progress), nagging, bragging, baking, eating on-the-fly, and cleaning (even more progress). The last which is really out of my comfort zone. Well, I like to be quite comfortable and not get up and clean and generally spend more time thinking about how I'm going to schedule my cleaning, read blogs about cleaning, or dream up a way I'm going to clean which completely tires me out and keeps me from cleaning even more so. These ideas mind me of back in January, when I couldn't get up and clean, and I watched my friend efficiently and thoroughly clean my house. I had never been forced to sit and watch something like this, but I learned a great deal. When I saw the large amount of dirt, dust, and grime that was behind furniture and under beds, I was sure if I ever got better, I had no clue how to run a household and had to learn fast. It is funny how we don't realize these things until we're knocked down on the couch for some physical limitation and forced to stare the issue deep in the face.

 I have had some difficulty swallowing, almost daily. What a way to teach me to pray and jolt me back to reality. Shoving chips in my mouth mindlessly while walking around the kitchen is not really helpful, and if we sit down to eat, I need to take my time, enjoy my family's company, and thank God for each bite I can swallow.

 I really never thought there could be 'joy in trials,' such as in James 1:2-3 "Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." Yeah right. I used to skim through this verse so quickly I could ignore what the Bible was saying, because I had no clue how a trial could be helpful, good, and especially able to bring joy. Well, the first time I couldn't swallow this month, Naomi, David and I were still eating breakfast after Mike left for work. I took a bite, couldn't swallow, and froze in shock. I had flashbacks of December, January, etc. Immediately wanted to plan a week of fish and chinese dumplings (which are all very easy to swallow) and run out to the store to buy ensure shakes. I looked around at both kids, said, "Naomi, we need to pray. Mommy can't swallow." She immediately put her fork down, closed her eyes, and said something to the effect of "Dear Lord, please help for our food. Please help Mamma, her food go down the right pipe. Amen."

What a JOY.

 Now I was really in shock. Is this what it takes for me to schedule time in to give Naomi a chance to pray out loud? Am I now that much 'back' to my old self of neglecting-Godly-things and super-self-sufficient? Am I really rushing through meals with the kids - put down your fork, get on your chair, hair out of your face - focused that I am not being intentional with them, to teach them concepts like "Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you." 1 Thess 5:16-18. Yup. Trouble swallowing is what it took to get my attention.

 And now the nagging. As you may know, Mike is on a job search. After 26th grade of school, in his fellowship, he will be graduating in June. It may not sound like nagging to you, but I would say things like, "I can't wait to see who you call this week! I wonder where we'll live! Hey, do you know what health system so and so is affiliated with? I read some great reviews today. Did you think about calling any hospitals this week or was work much too busy? Are you getting too involved in the dynamics at your work that you don't have time for the research of you and our future?" There's my version of nagging. As sugar coated and indirect as it looks, deep down, I want a phone picked up, emails sent, resumes mailed and more thumb tacks in my maps of New Jersey on the wall. I want to see it happen now, yesterday, and last week. And I want to 'laugh at the time to come' because I know what's going to happen, not because I have faith for it.

In talking with a good friend, she brought me back to this prayer idea. Prayer instead of nagging and doing? I replied - "No no no, you don't understand, we're prone to laziness. We always err on the side of laziness and are finally about to turn a corner, and . . ." - - What a kind, good counseling friend to say the next part. "Well, work diligently, but you need to have enough faith that if Mike doesn't call a specific doctor who he is supposed to work for, the doctor will call him and offer him the job." Oh. THAT kind of faith. That's a lot and that's a huge call on my part to pray and not nag.

Strength and dignity are her clothing,
 and she laughs at the time to come.
 She opens her mouth with wisdom,
 and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.
 Proverbs 31:25-26

 The above proverb is one of many answers to the question "An excellent wife who can one find?" found in Proverbs 31. I wouldn't call my nagging-style opening my mouth with wisdom, and was not wearing clothes of strength and dignity to laugh at the time to come. I was clearly wearing manipulative controlling clothes and worrying about our future. How could I possibly open my mouth with wisdom if I was so me-minded and task oriented? I'm so grateful for this kind of insight. How kind of God to grab my attention and draw me to these truths, through the vehicles of not-swallowing, getting impatient and frustrated, and the counsel of a good friend. If only it didn't need life to come to that, but I'm glad it did.

I know that God will surely pour out His wisdom to you in your specific circumstance within His perfect and good will for you and your life. If you're not sure where to even start, you can continue reading in James 1, where I started, and it says how.

If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God,
who gives generously to all without reproach,
and it will be given him.
James 1:5

You may be having a rocky month, but He will surely give you a steady mind.


You (Lord) keep him in perfect peace
whose mind is stayed on you,
because he trusts in you.  
        Trust in the Lord forever,
for the Lord God is an everlasting rock.
                Isaiah 26:3-4

Sunday, September 11, 2011

A Bit of Saturated Earth

Our soil is saturated. We have had many days of rain and then we had a hurricane . . . and then it continued to rain this past week. As I ran the last few bottles out to our recycling curb Friday morning, I noticed the overgrown weeds trying to choke our pole bean plants and scallions, and how everything, including the soil, was soaked. Realizing that one child was having a nap and the other was busy with crafting, I took a few minutes to start rescuing my scallions and beans. I was pretty impressed with how quickly and easily the weeds pulled out of the saturated ground. Just a few tugs and pulls and I had a pile of dead weeds and a clean looking garden in minutes. Except for this tree-like vine. Hmm..that wouldn't come out so easily.

Those weedy roots hold on so dearly to their soil when the ground is under-saturated. They must get a little foothold, and continue to grow, plowing through the soil to the next spot they can get a foothold. I usually dislike pulling the weeds, never sure if the whole root is going to dig up, or if just the leafy part would snap off and leave its bottom half and I would find myself digging my fingers into the dirt to get at the stubborn root. With these weeds only getting their footholds onto water and more water, they didn't have a root to stand on.

How my life is like this earth and how I need to have a heart saturated with living water, so when pesky weeds try to grow in my life, they pull up like a dream. When my mind is saturated with the promises and praises of the Lord, I have no problem letting go of things - comments, inadequacies, mistakes, ruminating thoughts, illness. When the meditations of my heart hold the truths of Gospel, there is no leg that my problems can stand on, because they are standing on the living water, which doesn't allow them to get a foothold, or what I would call a root-hold.

It is not that I would desire to flaunt a heart flooded with Scripture or praises for the Creator, quite the contrary. I'll have you know that I have a pretty under-saturated heart, and then when the going-gets-going, I realize something is just not right. It either leads to being over emotional, quick to anger, dwelling on unnecessary events or information, and mentally bogging over what I could possibly be upset about.

I would like to encourage you how freeing it is to be within boundaries, limiting my own mind, with boundaries set by the Word of God. Even just taking a minute to read the Word will saturate your heart, and God will meet you at your specific weed, and give you a flooded ground to clean up your garden.

[7] The law of the LORD is perfect,
reviving the soul;
the testimony of the LORD is sure,
making wise the simple;
[8] the precepts of the LORD are right,
rejoicing the heart;
the commandment of the LORD is pure,
enlightening the eyes;
[9] the fear of the LORD is clean,
enduring forever;
the rules of the LORD are true,
and righteous altogether.
[10] More to be desired are they than gold,
even much fine gold;
sweeter also than honey
and drippings of the honeycomb.
[11] Moreover, by them is your servant warned;
in keeping them there is great reward.
(Psalm 19:7-11 ESV)

For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:38-39 ESV

=

With a heart saturated with truths like this, those weeds will pull up before they get growing.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

So what do you do all day?

Officially home: A blank canvas of a day. Of a week. Of a month.

Temptations of idle time always loom, but in the end those wasted minutes and hours come back to haunt in piles and a full sink. 'Idle time' for me is randomly surfing online, having 7 or so tabs open with 3 different search topics, a few virtual shopping carts, and an afternoon power-nap turning into a 2 hour deep sleep. It could also be as simple as 'not planning.' I can now see the days in weeks, which has really helped me. One day for cleaning, one or two or five for shopping, one for laundry, hoping to get it all done in the M-F so the S & S is for family days, and not executing neglected chores. But shopping in one day is not necessarily practical with 2 little helpers - I guess it could be if I didn't mind spending time reading labels to be sure there are no food colorings, excess salt, or too many ingredients I can't pronounce because I'm locked into a huge labyrinth of a big name grocer. Another idle trap for me: staring at 34 different kinds of pasta analyzing ingredients, nutrition facts, and unit prices and prior to shopping running into Pier 1 Imports because it happens to be next door.

Ideally, I would make it to...
Produce Junction and the weekend farmer's market for produce
Dean Green for Seafood and Chicken
Genuardi's for Beef
The Asian Dollar for odds and ends
HMart for our asian food and produce (next to the asian dollar store)
Whole Foods for goat milk and fun kid's cereal
Home Depot is self explanatory
Trader Joe's for the don't-have-to-think-about-ingredients & reasonably-priced shopping experience
BJs for paper goods, dried fruit, et al.

And all that running around doesn't seem ideal when I sit back and analyze it. Genuardi's may have me sucked in to going more often because of the Disney Channel shopping carts, where Naomi and David can be buckled in and watch Jake and the Neverland Pirates or Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. That'll give you a chance to get distracted by all the little yellow signs, shiny back to school supplies, and an opportunity to find Red #40 and monosodium glutamate on many ingredient labels.

After 3 stops today, everyone was asleep in the car as I pulled into our driveway. This yields me 2 hours of uninterrupted production. I knew I had to get some thoughts blogged before I make Ziti for dinner. Although, now I realize that I will be making 3 personalized lasagnas - Mike: spicy, sausage, & only Mozzarella cheese, David: Mild, sausage, no cheese, Naomi & I: Mild, sausage, ricotta cheese and Mozzarella. So I'll make the banana bread in a large pie plate and the bread loaf pans into little lasagnas. Hopefully I won't pull up 6 more tabs and get sucked into computer idleness.

=

Ok. Zitis are done.

One tool I have found very useful is the MyPlan made by Mom Agenda. It has a 2 page spread for the week, and blocks underneath. If I don't get to something, I noticed I am still reminded of it throughout the week, so I don't feel like I have failed, but yet have another opportunity to get it done. Also, I use a highlighter to 'cross' things off, it's very encouraging to see all that you have done in bright color, rather than a bunch of crossed out things. Instead of using the squares as spots for different members of the family, I keep a google calendar going so it automatically updates my husband's smartphone with items that are relevant to him and I keep the kids and my schedules along with a to do, to call, and grocery list in all the little squares. No more grocery list pieces of paper to be found in the bottom of the washer from having lost them. Just one little cute book to carry around with my wallet, keys and phone. I'm only going on 2 1/2 weeks with the MyPlan, so what's a habit? 3 weeks? And, the only reason I bought it was because someone had to use the potty in staples and it got wet. I believe it was legitimately my fault though. I couldn't not buy it. That's like breaking a commandment.

Oh - and if you have good ideas for how you shop for your family, by buying quality, fairly priced, and fresh foods, please share your ideas! And you have an open door to spill the beans on what makes your time "idle."

She looks well to the ways of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Prov 31:27

I think I just landed my next Scripture memory verse.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

How do you spell ?

[Charlotte is looking for a new message to write in her web]
Lamb: How about "Pig Supreme"?
Charlotte: No good. It sounds like a rich dessert.
[Templeton walks past with an apple core towards the trough, and Charlotte glares at Templeton]
Goose: How about terrific, terrific, terrific?
Charlotte: Cut that down to one terrific and it will do nicely. I think terrific might impress Zuckerman.
Wilbur: But Charlotte, I'm not terrific.
Charlotte: You're terrific as far as I am concerned.
[Templeton, while holding a piece of orange in his mouth, smacks Wilbur's face with his tail and walks off to the trough]
Charlotte: [after glaring at Templeton] Does anybody know how to spell it?
Goose: I think it's T double-E double-R double-R double-I double-F double-I double C, C, C!

Well, thank you E.B. White for making "terrific" so memorable for me.

Yesterday I had an appointment with my neurologist and his med student, and not one terrific was left out. My doctor totally followed Goose's cue to at least say it three times. If the adjective about my progress health-wise wasn't "terrific," it was "incredible."

Who am I to be able to have a reboot on my life? I'm now down to 2 mg of prednisone a day, and will hold that dose for 6 months. I haven't had a nanny for 2 months, and I actually have two mobile children now. (David just took 4-5 steps in a row today!) I only take mestinon when I feel like I need 'insurance,' about once a week. And living with a lot more gratitude and purpose than previous to this illness. I'm only giving you the hard facts, because if you check out "A Quantitative Glance" you'll notice a drastic decrease in medications and be able to quantitatively see the improvements.

It turns out, Mike ran into my neurologist at the hospital on Tuesday evening, so he got to tell the doc all of the good news, and mention that I was excited about my appointment in the morning. Before the neurologist came into the examination room yesterday, his med student was there and asked what was going on. I gave him a brief overview, I can get it into about 4 sentences now:

I had a baby at the end of July last year, and could not walk well for several months. Then, in the evenings of November, I started slurring my words and by Thanksgiving could not eat, swallow or talk, had trouble seeing, and continued to be weak muscularly. On the Sunday of Thanksgiving weekend, my husband and neurologist were both on call and had me come into the ER, where mestinon immediately helped my symptoms. I progressively was held together by mestinon and prednisone, until I had a thymectomy in April, and have been weaning off of prednisone ever since, feeling great.

So let's put it in some numbers for ya:

2 mg of prednisone
1 game lost of Dominion.
2 walking children
1 new mom.
3 terrifics
2 incredibles from
1 brilliant neurologist.
6 - 8 months post-op was expected improvement time
4 months post-op now.
2 more weeks of summer
0 nannies.
10 months until a new job for hubby
8 months we may have been through our last 4 seasons here.
6 months more at 2mg
4 months until Christmas, maybe I can put up our tree this year.
2 coconut iced pre-appointment coffees with
1 happy winner husband.
How many gifts do we want to give my neurologist?
Naomi would say, "a lot and a lot and a lot."

We are so grateful for the understanding about the disease myasthenia gravis, and the wisdom of my neurologist about what to do, and how much medication and testing, and where to go for a thymectomy, and when to have it done. I reiterated how I still could not believe he was the one on call that Thanksgiving weekend, and he said, "You know, there's a famous saying, 'it was just meant to be.'" We'll leave it at that and check out where the understanding and wisdom, which some people carry, comes from.

Job 28:12-28
12 “But where shall wisdom be found?
And where is the place of understanding?
13 Man does not know its worth,
and it is not found in the land of the living.
14 The deep says, ‘It is not in me,’
and the sea says, ‘It is not with me.’
15 It cannot be bought for gold,
and silver cannot be weighed as its price.
16 It cannot be valued in the gold of Ophir,
in precious onyx or sapphire.
17 Gold and glass cannot equal it,
nor can it be exchanged for jewels of fine gold.
18 No mention shall be made of coral or of crystal;
the price of wisdom is above pearls.
19 The topaz of Ethiopia cannot equal it,
nor can it be valued in pure gold.

20 “From where, then, does wisdom come?
And where is the place of understanding?
21 It is hidden from the eyes of all living
and concealed from the birds of the air.
22 Abaddon and Death say,
‘We have heard a rumor of it with our ears.’

23 “God understands the way to it,
and he knows its place.
24 For he looks to the ends of the earth
and sees everything under the heavens.
25 When he gave to the wind its weight
and apportioned the waters by measure,
26 when he made a decree for the rain
and a way for the lightning of the thunder,
27 then he saw it and declared it;
he established it, and searched it out.
28 And he said to man,
‘Behold, the fear of the Lord, that is wisdom,
and to turn away from evil is understanding.’”

Terrific, terrific, terrific.

Incredible.

Monday, July 18, 2011

A Book Review

Once a month, our community group leader (small group leader) coordinates a book review. I was happy to present a few books this past Saturday which helped me throughout my illness. These books really helped keep my mind in check. I thought I'd share the handout with you, since I shared it with the ladies in our community group. When your mind fails you, fill it up with encouragement.

*

Book to Review:
Psalms
A Path Through Suffering Elliot
Beside Still Waters Spurgeon
Battling Unbelief Piper

I am so grateful to share with you today. I went through many phases and emotions, and carried a much lighter burden than one would expect from first glance of my circumstances. God has met me at every turn in my relationship with Him. God has met us in our marriage at every turn. God will meet you at every turn in every time, precisely where you are.

Psalms
Reasons & Practice
• I ran to Psalms every morning.
• David and I have a lot in common. I thought things like, “God, there’s this and this and this, and I know you are sovereign and put me together before there was time. Thank you.”
• Reassured me that the Lord knew my body better than anyone
• Turned my despair to praise
• Turned my anxiety to faith
• Drew me into the Word

A Path Through Suffering
Reasons & Practice
• Elisabeth is an excellent example of one who has suffered and throughout this book gives clear pictures of coloring our world with God’s grace.
• I love the imagery at the beginning of every chapter, putting our circumstances into a visual picture of plants, trees, and flowers growing.
• She draws you towards the Lord’s truths.
Excerpts
Chapter 6
How hopeless the naked wood of a fruit tree would look to us in February if we had never seen the marvel of springtime!

Sometimes the state of our souls seems as hopeless as the state of the trees in wintertime. Nothing can possibly be happening, God has forgotten us, the idea of springtime is preposterous.
The naked wood, bare and brittle and dry, s as much a pat of the tree’s life as the sap’s rising in spring. The Lord is still in charge, still moving in mysterious ways even when He gives the enemy or our souls permission to trouble us . . .

Chapter 4
It is when the death of winter has done its work that the sun can draw out in each plant its own individuality, and make its existence full and fragrant. Spiritual growth means something more than the sweeping away of the old leaves of sin – it means the life of the Lord Jesus developed in us.

In God’s management of the affairs of men suffering is never senseless. We can find plenty of good sense in the metaphor of pruning found in the Gospel of John.

Beside Still Waters (Spurgeon)
Reasons & Practice
• I stood on this book in thought. I read one page a day and pondered throughout each day and sometimes kept the same one for multiple days.
• Brought to waiting rooms, any idle time, I fed my mind with the truths in this book. It lived in my purse.
Excerpt
Some of you are perplexed with a multitude of anxieties about your life. You do not know what to do. One plan was suggested, and for a time it seemed the best action. But now you have doubts. You are bewildered and you cannot see Providence’s clue. You are lost in a maze. Indeed, at this moment, you are depressed.
You have tried various ways and methods to escape your present difficulty. But you have been disappointed and are distracted. Your thoughts have no order; they drag you in opposite directions The currents meet and twist as if you were in a whirlpool.
My perplexed friend, remember the children of Israel at the Red Sea. The sea was before them, rocks were on either side, and the cruel Egyptians roared in the rear. Imitate Israel’s actions. “Do not be afraid. stand still, and see the salvation of the LORD, which He will accomplish for your today” (Ex 14:13). You reply, “I cannot be quiet. I am agitated, perturbed, perplexed, tossed, and distracted. What shall I do?”
“In the multitude of my anxieties within me, Your comforts delight my soul” (Ps. 94:19). Turn your eyes to the deep things of God. Cease from an anxious consideration of seen things, which are temporary, and gaze by faith on things that are eternal.
Remember, your way is ordered by a higher power than your will and choice. The eternal God has fixed your every step. All things are fixed by the Father’s hand. He who loved us from before the foundations of the world has immutably determined every step of our pilgrimage.
It is a blessed thing, after you have been muddling and meddling with your anxieties, to throw your burdens on the Lord and leave them there.
• -Charles Spurgeon, Beside Still Waters, pg. 95

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

A Gratefulness Endurance Test

This week is definitely a testimony and a test of my endurance. For example, the morning started off with me teaching 90 kids a brief dance choreographed to "Green Eggs and Ham" from 'Seussical, The Musical,' in 10 minutes for their physical warm-up. It wouldn't have been so strenuous if I had someone else do the dance while I explained it. But, hopping on one foot while kicking three times in the air, where you literally punch the air with your foot at a 45 degree angle was the first three counts, and the last 5 counts were curling up into a ball then springing open into the formation of an X. Well, that could have been the end of my day right there, but it kept going. All for the better.

We are in the middle of "Covenant Kid's Choir Camp" at our church, and I'm having a blast. I basically leave the camp each day hoping they'll let me come back and teach again the next day. At my former job, they never gave me free reign of the microphone, and here I have access to 4 microphones all day long (it's only 3 hours), and they are amplified throughout the entire 1st floor of the building (very large). That's not really why I love it though, there are 90 kids clothed in excitement, gratefulness, and eagerness to learn. Last year we had 2 vocal teachers and a pastor, and this year we have 3 vocal teachers, 2 instrumental teachers, and a pastor. Did I mention 90 kids? The more the merrier.

I feel like a walking testimony of God's grace displayed in front of these kids, because I am not only able to walk around and teach (and sometimes dance) with energy, but my voice is back. I was not able to sing (nonetheless talk) throughout December and January, and now I am going on my 4th day of singing, on and off for long periods of time throughout each day. Is this the gift that I can now use again, when back in December I came to grips with possibly never getting it back? Yes. Just when I'm about to become frustrated with my limit to how much I can do, I remember moments where I wore sunglasses during church and sang mentally while the congregation was standing and singing out loud.

I have had my share of not-perfectly-comfortable moments this week. Like, carrying in 2 precious sleeping children up 2 flights of stairs and feeling my lower back slow down and legs fade until I crash into my own nap. Knowing that even though I feel mentally awake, I need to take breaks and not exert too much physical energy to save up for the end of each day, where dinner and bed time would need my saved up strength. Today I hovered between nausea, hand cramping, oncoming of a sore throat, extreme tiredness, fatigue, ocular migraines, anxiety, emotionalism, jealousy, wanting to pick-a-fight, complaining, stress, fear, and pure excitement and gratefulness that I could be doing anything at all. Notice I said, "hovered between" because I am so glad that the narrow path kept me from getting sucked into any of them. There is only One who carves out the Way and only God's steady direction in my thoughts could keep me planted on it. Like a little mono-rail line. It seems so skinny. Maybe because the path is precise and appears to float through mid-air, yet is firmly grounded.

I'll take it.

I was feeling inspired by a woman I met yesterday. She said, "If I live another 6 weeks, I'll be 93. My children say I'm just stubborn, and I say, well, what am I going to do, sit home and die? I'm going to go out and do things . . . I have 40 great-grand children. . . They say I have lasted this long because I know how to pray. That's all I can do for people is pray. If someone does me a favor, I just keep praying for them constantly. But you better watch out, [then she stuck her firm, strong, and long wrinkled finger in my face] because my prayers are answered."

I guess getting sucked into gratefulness wouldn't have been that bad. Maybe that's like arriving at Magic Kingdom on the monorail. It is truly freeing to be grateful.

Friday, June 17, 2011

Front Row Seat to lots of Learning

I'm forcing myself to write, because I have been thinking about blogging daily for weeks. The house is quiet and Mike is moonlighting tonight. I am physically putting down Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother before I turn into her, and consciously neglecting: Cinderella Ate my Daughter, Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World, The Power of a Whisper, Einstein Never Used Flashcards, Little Women, 90 days of God's Goodness, Healthy Sleep Habits - Happy Child, all the organizing and home management blogs, and a plethora of household items that I could probably do about now.

I'm thinking of my little sister who is having a piano recital tonight for her students at my parents' house. When I was 18 and held bi-annual recitals for my students until I was 25, when we moved to Pennsylvania. I loved it. The recital was a small goal throughout students' training, that the kids and parents could see and aspire to. What they could not see was what kind of learning and little goals that were accomplished throughout the training process. I believe we will not come close to knowing the intricacies of the brain and how they communicate and develop when all of your concentration and four of your senses are engulfed in a specific task of self control and passion - such as performing music. So much is learned when you are put up to a performance, when you have to prepare piece of music, on a specific date, and when you have eyes and ears all over you ready to hear your months or years of work in about 2 minutes. Some holding their breath in hopes you don't make a mistake, some glaring down and wishing you practiced more, some comparing you to some other kid, and a few beaming with pride. All the while, no one knowing what kind of learning is really taking place. I do vividly remember, after any performance, wether great or sub-optimal, my Dad would say, "It was good a learning experience." Right on.

Last night, Mike and I celebrated his completion of a Cardiology Fellowship in General Cardiology. This celebratory dinner was in honor of the graduates from both the General Cardiology program and the more specific 'Interventional Cardiology.' There were a total of six graduates, four "General Fellows" and two "Interventional Fellows."

Upon roasting and boasting about the group of four General Cardiology Fellows, the director went on to give some facts we may not have known about the year Mike and his fellow graduates applied to the program. Apparently 800 applicants applied for their positions, and they only interviewed 50 applicants. They did not go beyond their top 5 choices of candidates for the Cardiology Fellowship in the year they applied and were accepted. After a brief congratulatory address, the director commended them and endearingly gave them each a gift that could possibly bring them together. After listing all of the possible injuries of the head with many chuckles throughout the room and then a few belly laughs. (It was a very long list, and in true jargon. I barely understood every 5th word.) The common thread of these cardiologists was culminated in the gift of a helmet, reminiscent of his/her individual experiences of either surfing, falling off of a chair lift, cracking head open, skiing, or playing ice hockey on a lake behind one of the attending's homes at the fellows retreats in the Poconos. They all proceeded to put the helmets on and pictures were taken. It was very heartwarming, funny, and made us incredibly grateful for where Mike is studying right now. We are not only grateful for Mike to have the opportunity to work with stellar doctors in a field that he loves, but also to have the camaraderie with his teachers, colleagues and their spouses that was evident throughout the evening. His Electrophysiology attending said it is a joy to work with him because he always wants be hands on and learn, and is grateful to be there. The attending said to me, "Working with Mike makes working fun." (Clearly not speaking in jargon.)

I am enamored with the mind and how much we are learning as individuals and a family. When I left giving bi-annual recitals, we were just trying to wrap our minds around commuting into the city and dealing with 30 hour shifts every four days. We would not have imagined the opportunities that now we are embracing. Parenthood, household, patient care, serving each other, serving the kids, cardiology, electrophysiology, etc. We had no idea what field Mike would want to go into or how much he would learn in each area of medicine throughout residency. Many a friend and family member has called with an illness or question, and he usually knows what they are taking about enough to give pertinent information. Many a patient calls in the middle of the night, and our bedroom turns into a quick-talk cardiology clinic, where Mike is giving clear, concise instructions right out of a dead sleep. At the beginning of July last year, he was observing the Attendings implant devices, and yesterday, before the dinner, he implanted five. I guess we can never imagine all of the learning that is going on as we are actually going through the learning. And yet the more we learn the more we realize we have to learn even more.

The directer of the heart center where Mike is training opened the program with an excerpt from a book, which I will hopefully find and read soon. It spoke about how, as doctors, they have a front row seat to real life. Usually we think of a "front row seat" to a show or performance of people trying to re-create something that is already created. As doctors, they have a front row seat in to the most intimate parts of peoples lives that are already going on. Real drama and change happens before their eyes, and hopefully training and experience helps them solve the mysteries and answer the questions. He emphasized that it is a prized and prestigious position, and something that very few can do.

Go Mike! I'm so proud of you, my love!

Tomorrow I have a neurologist appointment, and hopefully the drama will be with my disease improvements and not in our children, who I am bringing to the appointment. They were both mildly ill today, so I cancelled the sitter for tomorrow. Maybe we can meet up with Mike at the hospital and see him for a few minutes.

I'll be turning in for the night now, the 'Tiger Mother' will just have to wait.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

A Great Prayer

As far as my physical condition goes, I am doing really well. This is my second week without a nanny helping me, and I am able to care for the children. This is the first stretch of time without outside help coming in since November! We started to have people help with childcare since Thanksgiving weekend last year, just to put it into perspective.

It is very easy not to seek wisdom or peace from God when things are going well, so the path gets increasingly more narrow. Here is part of a proverb that speaks well to it. Both in the context of riches as in money and as in a fully functioning healthy body.

7 Two things I ask of you, LORD;
do not refuse me before I die:
8 Keep falsehood and lies far from me;
give me neither poverty nor riches,
but give me only my daily bread.
9 Otherwise, I may have too much and disown you
and say, ‘Who is the LORD?’
Or I may become poor and steal,
and so dishonor the name of my God.
Proverb 30: 7-9

Are we really desiring everything to be perfect and just waiting for it to be? Are we just waiting for riches and health to shower down and then we can be happy? If I really look back and try to discern what I would rather have, I actually would choose this narrow path of daily bread, just enough to be grateful for what we have and just under enough to realize we actually do need the Lord. It is a refreshing place to be.

Here are some shots from baby back rib night!

Monday, May 16, 2011

Bleach



I had some mysterious stains on a few bibs and dish towels. The first bib where I found these mysterious stains, I put straight bleach on, and then let it sit until I was ready to do a white load, and the bleach proceeded to eat holes in the fabric. Luckily, the lettering stayed in tact to say, "my daddy's a cardiologist." But now I feel bad every time I put the bib on David, because it has holes in it. I can't bring myself to throw it out, unless maybe I replace it one day. If we wear it out of the house now, it might as well say, "my daddy's a cardiologist and my mommy can't wash my laundry."

Let's not do that again. So I tried again with some more bibs and dishtowels. I put them in a bucket of water, with some bleach added. (The stains were not that mysterious, they were moldy stains.) Grown from neglect and moisture, buried in either a bag, the bottom of the stroller, the car, or the bottom of a hamper. My first bib goes into the bleach-water, give it a minute, and voila! Beautiful, non-moldy cute bib, and the ducky is still yellow, with no holes. Next, dishtowel - again! success. This is usually when I should stop and go on to something else. But no, I am on a roll. I collect 2 more dishtowels, and 2 other bibs in new water with bleach. Well, these I left in a little too long. The dark brown monkey has some burnt sienna blotches across his face, and the green dish towel is a hazy sun-ray color. No holes though! The mold has graciously been killed on all articles. That was the goal, and I give an "oh well" to the discolored monkey and hazy yellow towel.

I cannot let my imagery pass me by. I need some serious cleaning. For some reason, I think that the Lord washing me clean is going to burn holes in my personality. It's going to take away the 'me' that makes me- 'me.' My favorite part about me may be my bright green color, my richly colored monkey face, my moldy spot that I think is a wonderful beauty mark. Prior to my conviction that I am actually sinning, I am always grabbing onto something that I am good at.

I am a visionary. I can't exactly execute my visions, but I can see what needs to be done, and usually recognize all of the moving parts at a glance. Mike is graduating next year from a Cardiology Fellowship. This means, that after 13 years of elementary and high school, 7 years of undergrad and med school, 7 years of residency and fellowship, he will be graduating to become an Attending. This title would be Electrophysiology Cardiologist. Every syllable gets about 2 years of training, is what I see.

Well, I have a sense of urgency, being able to see the steps we need to accomplish to get the house ready for sale or rent, researching where and what is actually available, listing our priorities for life, listing his priorities for a job, updating his CV, etc. The list goes on and on. This brings us to three Saturdays ago, when I was going to attend my good friend's baby shower. I went, I had a wonderful time, and I came home. I was really looking forward to having the evening with the family at home. Before I left for the shower, I left a little list on the dining room table. A list of 8 Ten-minute jobs, and a list of 4 Thirty-minute jobs to get done this weekend. I didn't mention the note, just left it casually on the table.

Driving home, I was picturing the bookcase lovingly put together in the dining room, and picking out which books and pictures I was going to place on it with all the new found space. Then the basement shelving was put together and we put out all of the kitchen gadgets spread out beautifully, with a space for everything. Since David is now crawling, I pictured the vacuumed living room tidy, and was sure that the pile of medical journals was sifted through, memorized, and recycled. We then ate a peaceful family dinner outside in the setting sunshine, and had the kids in bed by 8. As we played our game, Mike won and was in a wonderful mood as we retired for the night.

*slam on the brakes and almost miss my turn*

I walked towards the house to the smell of delicious barbecue chicken cooking on the grill. I walked into the house to find the computer wire draped across the dining room floor with piles of journals burying the strategically placed list I had made, a pit in my stomach when i saw the bookshelf was still in the box, among other things that didn't match up to my dreamy expectations. I was hit with thoughts such as, 'I can see exactly what needs to be done. I am gifted in being able to picture all of the inner workings that we need to accomplish in order to approach the rest of the year with order. I am really just trying to help Mike.'

We then ate outside, and Mike, realizing I was totally disappointed and upset was being so kind to me. The food did not taste good to me, and I had lost my appetite. Better a dry crust with peace and quiet than a house full of feasting, with strife.- Proverbs 17:1 I tried to say, 'You know lovie, I feel like I am caught between wanting you to have time to yourself to relax, and wanting to communicate, with urgency, things that actually need to get done." Super humility right there. Well, not really. I didn't even know what I was saying. Apparently I looked awful, since I am in the beginning of weaning off a pretty powerful steroid, and this was essentially the 6 or 7th day in a row where I was trying to do beyond my capacity. Then, Mike even said, "You just look awful." He had me go lay down while he put the kids to bed. Regardless of my physical condition, when your spirit has a big moldy patch blocking the light trying to shine through your eyes, in our house we call that, "awful."

After a smooth bedtime, he came in the room and was ready to go clean up after dinner so I could rest. I, again trying to serve him, had offered to play our game together. I didn't want him to have to work tonight, especially after how I threw him for a loop when I hit him with all these unfulfilled expectations that I had for him. "Let's just play our game." So we played. After a few minutes, I felt a wallowing up of love for him. I looked him right in the eye and said, "Sweetie, I just really love you. I'm so sorry that I came home and was in such a terrible mood, practically ruining the evening." To which he responded, "Does this mean you are going to play a really good card?!"

"WHAT? Am I really that shallow? I was pouring out a heartfelt love-song in words to you, and you think I am trying to prep you for losing because I happen to be good at this game? Okay, game on - now. You really think I am that shallow as to confess my love to you, only to prepare you for losing a stupid card game against me?"

This card game is not shallow to Mike. Winning is very important to him, and the fact that I called it shallow just drove us into a deep hole of discussion. All the events of the day were rehashed, the events of the next year were thrown about, and my heart was so bent on being right. I took that cute beauty mark (my awesome visionary skill) and just made it darker and darker, and tried to use waterproof makeup so it could not be wiped off. Then I made it bigger and added some shimmer to get it noticed a little more, and it apparently blinded our communication so much that we were now in a full fledged conflict.

Bring on the bleach, please. Get this thing off of me, and bleach it out of my life, Lord. Whatever kind of sin and defiance I am doing, in light of Your will for my life, please rub it down and dip me in the bleach water. Even if it means my color will fade, I accept, and trust You to cleanse me from within. Even if I become all burnt-sienna-splotchy like the monkey bib, I still accept to know that even one mold spore has been killed in Your name. I am not afraid about having holes burnt in me, because you are excellent and would not give me more than my fabric can handle, in You.

We talked for an hour or two and settled in with resolution and a clearer vision of what each of our visions were. That doesn't mean that I realized how off I was right away, a woman at church the next morning came up to me and had a word to give me. It was about "mercies are new every morning." She said something to the effect of -
We can't know the mercy that God has for us for the trial we are about to face or will face in the future, because it is not morning yet. At the dawn of the new trial the mercy will come, and then we will be able to deal. Today, we are actually looking at the trial without the mercy.

There I went, making all these plans and visions, stirring up anxiety all over the place without seeing the mercy at the forthcoming job search. Also, I was leaning on my own understanding. Mike and I talked again after church and got a lot done Sunday afternoon. We both came away from this little happenstance knowing a lot more about each other and of God's sovereignty in our lives.

Are you afraid of a little bleach? It's good thing I'm not doing your laundry!

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

A Quantitative Glance

10 mg Prednisone
15 mg Mestinon
60 mg every 3 hours states the Mestinon bottle instructions.
2 days of a Nanny this week
2 sleeping children
1 husband going through
20 journals of medicine.
5 pre-schools visited
1 pre-school chosen
3 year old, "Mommy, just drop me off."
2 days a week and they don't teach numbers.
24lb 8oz baby boy
29 inches long baby boy
9 months old and healthy
31 years for me
30 for the hubby (well, almost 31)
90 years for Grandpa Cubby
8am appointment with the surgeon on Friday
How many gifts do I want to give him?
Like a million.

Monday, May 2, 2011

Can you say, "Gung-ho?"

Again, another scenario well assessed by Mike.

My adrenaline must have been overshadowing practicality. It was actually very remarkable how well I did last week, considering everything I did. I found a few limits. I didn't realize how much of a system shock it would be to start taking less prednisone. I am very gradually weaning off, but with the miraculous onslaught of "the weaning," I thought it was a green card to be super mom. So I threw in a trip to the park every day, plus a walk around the block, I didn't have a babysitter more than one day, and that was the day I ran 7 errands. I gave up half of my naps this past week, got Naomi and I to the dentist, made it to the home-school a cappella class that my friend so graciously took over the teaching of, and then made it to the weekend packed with a baby shower, garage organization, church, and capped it off with having friends over last night to play games. Okay, this was a lot. Now I see it. I guess I totally forgot that I had surgery 3 weeks ago at some point.

Good thing Mike was like, "Sweets, just because you are doing well, doesn't mean to jump into doing three times more than you were, overnight."

So I'll try this week with 3 days of help. Today I did not have help, and that probably wasn't great planning considering last week and the weekend business. Going to turn in, start looking at preschools tomorrow, meal plan for the rest of the week, and take the activities down a notch or two.

I made a great dinner though! Emeril's Baked Cod (Minus the olive spread), fresh asparagus, spinach, & Rice. Yum!

We're turning in for the night. And if you are keeping track, Mike finally just beat me at our. It's been 7 hard wins for me. And I wasn't the one counting.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

It all comes Together

Well, a miraculous report from my neurologist yesterday brings lots of things together. I am calling it miraculous because I was not expected to back off of medication for at least several months after the thymectomy, and have already started backing off today. Well, he was actually excited. I told him I was glad he was excited, and that I was so glad I was checking out well. At the end of the visit he said, in a professionally composed way - "it takes a lot to get me excited. This is good. This is very good."

The visit went something like this:
-tapped my reflexes with a mallet from his classic leather doctor bag
"Okay, pull my arm, push my arm. This is good. This is very good."
"Squint your eyes. This is good. You don't know why this is good, but this is very good." (Almost baffled and smiling in amazement)
"Follow this light with your eyes. Good. This is very good."
"Good, Good. This is very good."
- jots down some notes
"Good. Very good. I am really impressed with how good this is."
"How is the stairs, walking, etc."
- "I have not had hip pain"
"Good, good, good. Very good."
- jots down some more notes
- has me whistle
"Gooood. That's the best test for you. Very, Very good."

I was floored. I think the rest of the day and today I was in shock. I hardly knew what to do with such a good report. I called family and let them know, ran 3 quick errands, and headed home. I had two great girlfriends over for lunch, well, actually they brought me a delectable lunch and we had an excellent visit. And then . . . without my nap . . . took both kids to the park. My neighbor brought her 5 month son with us, and we all had a great walk to and from the park, and a fun time while there. A little sore neck, but the walk felt good. Then the kids ate, I got them in bed, and the house was quiet by 7:30. Mike made it home about 9:00, and I was still functioning well enough to play our game and talk. We resigned about 11, and were up at 6 to get ready for the new day.

On the way home from the doctor's office, I was listening to Reach FM (our christian rock station), and there was a man doing the "Restoration of Israel Minute." He started with, "What you may not know is that Israel and the Jewish people have also contributed other blessings over the centuries such as amazing medical and technological advances that have saved lives . . . Even in the midst of all their challenges with persecution, terrorism, threats of war and natural disasters, they continue to bless the world—because that is their calling from God ages ago." The verse this is based upon being:
". . . and through your offspring all nations on the earth will be blessed because you [Abraham] have obeyed Me.” Genesis 22:18

Why is this applicable? Well, one of the first month's Mike and I were dating in college, I had a problem with my knee. Someone prayed for me, I was healed. One minute my knee was snapping back and forth when I stepped, and the next minute I was walking fine. How could this be? Why should anyone become a doctor if God can just heal people?

The awesome understanding that Mike and I have been talking about, is how God has used Doctors, medicines, and even a surgery to improve my function. He has shown his faithfulness THROUGH these people and procedures, and has already orchestrated the research behind each of them so these past 6 months I could reap the benefits of them. I am humbled that our omniscient God would put together all of this, and be so specific as to time it for me. Even more so, God is using and will continue to use Mike in his medical training as he finishes up his last year and goes on to a new job to reach, touch, heal, and minister in other people's lives.

March 17, 2005. A letter that we were moving to Pennsylvania for Mike to do his residency at Penn.
November 28, 2010. A Sunday, Mike on call with my Neurologist. Treated.
January 18, 2011. Diagnosed officially.
April 12, 2011. Surgery with world class expert, 4 miles away.
April 26, 2011. David crawls across the room for the first time, and I can catch up to him and pick him up.
April 26, 2011. I read a very long book to Naomi, sang her songs, and sang in the shower. Not a quiver or a slur in my words.
April 26, 2011. Just said goodnight to Mike and he feels like he has his wife back.

Lots, lots, lots to be thankful for. Many details that I am not even aware of that have worked out have not just "worked themselves out." We are so grateful for the omniscient omnipotent God who works through creation, including us, for His glory. In His sovereignty, he allowed this trail to happen, and has drawn our family closer to Him and His promises. Naomi's standard prayer for the past 6 months has been, "Please pray for Mommy's hips and Daddy has a nice work, and Naomi has a nice work, and David has a nice work, and Amen."

God answers prayer and times things perfectly.

This is good. Very good.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

A Great Surgeon

Have you witnessed from above the clouds, the perfectly organically shaped river carving through the earth? The valleys and streams, so well marked and painted, towering below you, and puffy lightness dressed in pure white, occasionally clouding your view? Chiseled, I would say. The same word a close friend used while staring into our newborn daughters face. Chiseled.

You can't fake greatness. Height and depth of knowledge, unclouded skill. Experience chiseled procedures, down to an art and a science.

Mike and I arrived at the hospital, all ready to go for my Thymectomy. It almost felt like we should be stopping at Dunkin' Donuts for an iced coffee, because it was so nice to be together in the morning, and that's our 'going-on-an-excursion' routine. But I was good and fasted since Midnight. I dozed off slightly in the admission waiting room, and was awake again until I remember a cute little resident guy putting a gas mask on me, telling me it was oxygen and that I would soon feel sleepy, yup. There I went into sleep again.

I don't really know exactly what went on during that nap, but I do totally trust my great surgeon. It was from about 1:30pm until 5:30pm, when I remember Mike talking to me while I was in and out of consciousness, realizing the surgery was over. I find it absolutely amazing that in a little 5 inch incision and the surgeon was able to get my whole thymus gland out, which apparently descended longer than usual. Not that this is a usual anyway. From what I can gather, I was on my back, stretched with my head back, I had a breathing tube, and the surgeon went in behind my sternum and got the enlarged gland.

It was a totally new experience for me. The anticipation was a lot worse than the actual day and event. Actually, my only really bad day of anticipation was the Saturday night and Sunday beforehand. Me and my vivid imagination couldn't fathom someone going inside my body and taking something out. Not to mention in one of the sensitive areas of my body. (I never really liked anyone touching the front of my neck.) I had creepy fears of a slashed throat and that the knife would slip and my head would cut off, and proceed to roll on the floor of the operating room. Then what would they do!? This did not happen. Plus, Mike reassured me that this was ridiculous and would not happen.

This fascinates me. A Thymectomy is such a rare procedure, but my surgeon is an expert. He even uses tools that were designed for him. For me and countless others around me, it was a different and rare procedure, and abnormal day for us. For my surgeon, this was probably a standard "day at the office" with an interesting "case."

As they were rolling me down the hall to the operating room, I caught a glimpse of my surgeon going into the elevator, and the nurse said, "There's your doctor!" You probably would not pick him out of a bunch. The same way you wouldn't peg Isaac Stern as a master violinist or my relative as a navy seal. It is definitely not a God that we see that carves out the rivers and streams and pulls the mountains out of the earth. All work in their expert chiseling.

I am so grateful for their expertise.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Rich Love

Today is our 7 year wedding anniversary. When restaurant.com did not show any promising dinner solutions, we headed for the pre fixe menu at our very own Sycamore. For us, Sycamore feels as if you are in the city, with a top chef and city atmosphere, without the drive in and parking fees. Mike and I had an exceptional time together reminiscing over our last 7 years, the milestones and great moments. The hard ones that clearly "grew" us closer together, small trials that we thought were huge, and somehow we both had a black hole in both of our minds between years 2-5, which was definitely his residency.

So I was in a baking mood this afternoon, and threw together two of our favorite cookies, peanut butter cup and double chocolate chip. Nothing quite goes by without an analogy in my mind, so as I was pouring the cocoa powder into the mix master bowl, a seemingly turbulent environment, the cookie dough developed into a richer, creamier, deeper color. The pale sweetness of sugar, butter, and eggs visibly transformed into a divine richness. Of course, stop and scrape the sides briefly, but getting back to the turbulent stirring, they were the moments when richness was really created. I'm not sure how my foremothers (generations ago) did it, with all that stirring. God must have revealed greatness to them in their baking, because they had so much time to think. My mixmaster accomplished cookie bliss in about 5 minutes, but looking into that bowl while mixing: yes, turbulence.

And isn't it in these moments where you really find out who someone is, or how deep or rich something has grown? Totally.

I was so un-consumed with my previous problems of anxiety, which I practically made a sport of leading up to my last appointment with my neurologist, so when this time we got to go meet the surgeon, somehow I was released from anxiety. I was excited. I guess I shouldn't say somehow, but I was not consumed with my previous frame of mind, and it allowed me to focus on such greater happenings. I don't think I would have noticed how well I was led by Mike, how orderly I needed my paperwork, or how succinctly I needed to tell these pros at Penn my story.

We started the morning with a breakfast at 7am at the diner where we signed the papers to buy our house, which was the last time we were there, 6 years ago. A sweet southern belle took our order and served us kindly while we both thoroughly enjoyed our time together. The half hour ride in was reminiscent of Mike's commuting into residency, and he quickly realized how much he did not miss that commute. And there it was . . . Penn in all of it's greatness, a brand new center for advanced medicine, with stunning architecture and life-size portraits of founders and physicians. Timelines of history and modern sculptures strategically placed around the clearly yuppy-natural food coffee stand and cafe, and elevators of glass revealing the surrounding campus of greatness in medicine. Stellar system and registration, everything clearly marked. Then the wait.

Had I been completely consumed with anxiety, this would have been miserable. We arrived at 8:45 and we met with the doctor at about 11:15. However, we couldn't help but feel they were researching my case, going over my CT scan results, discussing prognosis, etc. Mike was consistently encouraging and re-assuring. . . And then true greatness came in the door with a medical student. Confident, calm, quiet, discerning, reviewing, listening, and then spoke so succinctly you would assume that all the information for my visit was packaged neatly and handed to me verbally, in a cute little box that had taken years to prepare. He would occasionally pause and turn to the medical student and explain exactly what he meant if a particularly large concept blew by. We were able to schedule a thymectomy for mid April, and let's just say that within 20 minutes, the surgeon earned a whole lot of my trust and Mike's.

So, it would only be dreamy and naive to say that a smooth path would have been better these past few months than a rough one. Actually, the most growth that has happened in our 7 years of marriage was through areas of turbulence. I would not trade one cookies-worth of turbulence to go back to that pale butter-sugar mixture, seemingly bliss at the time. Mike is a true treasure and our marriage is a good and perfect gift from God. Although we are not perfect, His work in us is, and I would say, most definitely, bring on the cocoa and turbulence for many more years with my love.

Happy Anniversary Sweets!

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Alas, Anxious for Naught

Once again, my silly worry didn't matter. Anxiety did not bear fruit. Energy used on churning thoughts of "what ifs" and "whys" was not fruitful.

The appointment yesterday went very well, which I am very grateful for.
I have had several specific encouragements this week, which I am very grateful for. (Thank you, if you were one of them!)

One friend said, "just sit and know that you are in His hands."

What a perfect picture of stillness and resting in an anxiety free space. I really held dear to those churning thoughts of worry this week. It's not like when you are in the middle of a worry wheel, you just realize it and jump out. Like a hamster in a wheel, in a cage. It's as if you are holding on to the wheel, and saying, "No, leave me alone in my worry wheel, I'm comfortable here, go your own path. I think I'm gaining control." Yeah, well, the cage hasn't moved but you were moving. Your scene has not changed, but you think you are heading somewhere. The prognosis has not been changed one iota, but all that precious energy, gone and sold, and I really thought I was on to something with all that thinking.

There it is. My worry wasted on nothing. I'm really glad though, because it means we had a good report. Next time, and maybe if I go back and read from November, I will learn not to worry. Could it possibly stop my need for surgery, cure my disease, add a day or moment to my life? Well maybe if I . . . Ok. I'll stop there. :)

My neurologist is great, once again I will say it. Calm and wise, thorough and a listener, interested and answers all of my questions. He is pleased with my progress, I will be increasing the amount of steroid to take, and will pursue surgery within the next few months. I already called the surgeon and have a consultation for the end of March.

Even more so, the obvious providence of how the Lord is orchestrating this is refreshing. It turns out that the Surgeon we were recommended to worked with Mike during his residency, and his son is in a similar field to Mike, and they know each other. The surgeon that my neurologist wanted to originally use had just moved to Texas, so of course I was ready to camp out in the south for this one. Well, the surgeon I am actually going to trained the guy that moved to Texas, and is only about 4 miles away. City miles of course, but a lot closer than Texas. If only I had enough faith to not need these circumstantial moments of confirmation. There I go with "if only" again.

Apparently David had a nice little juxtaposition of worry and faith going on. If you are tracking along with us in Psalms, here's an excerpt from Psalm 43.

5 Why, my soul, are you downcast?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.