Sunday, December 19, 2010

50 first thoughts

So did you see the movie 50 First Dates? It's where the adorable Drew Barrymore looses her daily memory and heartwarming and hilarious Adam Sandler reminds her everyday, makes a video to get her up to speed on her life, and patiently waits till she understands daily. Through light teasing and large love, he loves her, "I love you more than anyone could possibly love another person." Daily she confesses, "nothing beats a first kiss . . ." In the movie, she wakes up daily not knowing what's going on, and is reminded by video and gentle people around her where she is, who she is, and what happened.

I am super quick to run to anxiety. My initial thought, when approached with many a situation, is worry. "Oh, no, what if?" is a frequent thought. I need a daily video, an army of loved ones, a team of angels to constantly remind me not to worry.
Don't forget, Jo, God is in control! Not only is He in control, but, before the foundations of the earth were set, you were tenderly placed in your family, as wife to your husband, and mother of your children, daughter to your parents and sister to your sisters. He not only knows the now and then and future, but knows them all at once. For He is the "I am."

So, I kind of want to wake up daily and see a little video saying, "Good Morning Jo." As I push the outdated technology into a VCR slot, a loving voice comes over, reminds me that there is abundant sovereign grace covering my every mistake, my every physical ailment, and my weakness. Actually, I don't think I can wait until every morning. I think I need to have this every moment. I need a reserve of Scripture. Written on my heart, a vault of encouragement to run to.

Lord, open my mind to understand your Scripture. To learn it and imprint it on my heart. To hold at the forefront of my mind so when trial and anxiety strike, I have armor already on, fitted to my size and occasion.

Everyone is doing their part. I have a hugely loving husband who wants exactly what's best for me, and nothing less. I have a family that is taking in 3/4 of our family and a network of prayer warriors who are constantly reminding me of their praying and caring. I really could not ask for more love from my loved ones. I can only ask for more faith, more wisdom, and more understanding. More peace and patience. Praise God along with me:

Philippians 4:
4Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

8Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

I guess I don't need a VHS player.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

2010 Christmas Card

Oh Holy Night Religious Christmas 5x7 folded card
Make a statement with personalized Christmas cards at Shutterfly.
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Saturday, December 4, 2010

MRI of the Chest

So it was Tuesday, early morning. I drove into work with Mike so I could have a 6:45 am MRI of the Chest, which is proper protocol for diagnosing this possible Myasthenia Gravis. It was so nice to have a few minutes to just be together in the early morning during the drive in. The last 5 days or so have been peppered with visitors, the pager going off, and children getting up in the middle of the night. I went into to have the MRI of the Chest done, and I didn't really have the down time to wait and think, and ponder and pray. I actually liked that time before the MRI of the brain, last Saturday, but oh well.

"I will fear no e- e- vil, for my God is wi -i-ith me, and if my God is wi-i-ith me, who then shall I fear? who then shall I fear?"
was the song going through my head this time. It was ready to be tested.

I had to stop by the employee pharmacy before leaving the hospital, and therefore had to go through the imaging rooms and "backstage" area of the facility. As I turned a corner, a screen with a set of lungs stared back at me. The egg shaped black hole along the side of the lung gave me a horrible thought. As my mind flooded with thoughts that I was not holding captive to the Lord: I hastily texted Mike asking him to meet me for breakfast. - Thoughts:
"where will we send the children, I may not be able to speak after a surgery like this, how will I live, what about Mike completing his fellowship, he's going to be devastated, should I tell him, oh no, I can't go home crying to my mom and children . . ."

My mind was an endless pit of thoughts that were about the future without me picturing God in control of it. I talked to Mike on the phone, and wanted to go to the cafeteria to have breakfast rather than meet him where his colleagues were. He needed to sit down for this one, and we needed to be alone. This was it.

Well, sometimes - actually more often than not - a little information is worse than a lot of information. How little I know compared to these doctors. "Sweetie, that black egg shape could have been anything- bowel, your intestines, a piece of your diaphragm coming through. The MRI takes slices of your chest at all different angles, and it really could have been anything." gently and sweetly said Mike. I started thinking, wow, he is a really good actor, protecting me from thinking I'm going to die of this tumor. This awful picture flashed in front of my eyes. It was what "I SAW." I definitely was right. I mean, every time I close my eyes, I see my tumor sitting there in my little left lung. This was it, let me go home and set up a schedule and people to watch the kids, and if I die where will they go and who will raise them, and how will they live? ----Jo, Breath.

The MRI machine told me itself "Breath in, Breath out, Hold your breath, Relax."

Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1 Did I say "I SAW" the egg shaped tumor? It turned out it was not a tumor. The MRI actually came back with the reading of WNL - which means "Within Normal Limits." This is all we know for now, but what a huge test of faith. I definitely failed that one. Thank God there is more than sufficient grace to cover my weaknesses and strengthen my heart. Thank you, Lord, for forgiving my hasty thoughts, my worry, and my picturing the future without you. Not even the far off future, I pictured the next 10 minutes without you several times in that exchange. Please sharpen me "bend us break us, till humbly we confess our need." (Bessie Head, Hymn "O Breath of Life.")

God is here. He is in the future, He is in the present. As Grandma Link said in the card she just wrote to Mike. "We don't know what the future holds, but we know who holds the future."

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

ER

So a lot has happened in a few days.

Saturday afternoon, swallowing and chewing got a lot worse. Each time I ate, I could not speak well, and could not control my swallowing. I even felt like my face was plastered into a dumb smile during a party I went to, because I was not able to control my facial muscles and go from normal-face to smiling, back and forth. I kind of made it through the rest of Saturday barely eating, and drinking a few Ensure shakes.

Sunday morning I was alone with two small children. If I choked now, I would have no way to call 911 and no way to get my two year old to do it. So I only drank Ensure shakes. Now, Mike was working in the hospital today, it was the last day of a 5 day call schedule from the Thanksgiving holiday. I called Mom. I explained everything that was going on, and how it was getting progressively worse to swallow each day. I told my mom it would definitely decrease my anxiety if she were here. We went back and forth with Mike and my parents as to if I should go into the emergency room or not.

-Behind the scenes here, Mike was just calling the on-call Neurologist to see if he could squeeze me into his office schedule this week. He said, "this is myasthenia gravis until proven otherwise. She needs to come in right away." -

So in I went. Kids went to community group members and mom came from NJ and took me to the ER. It was the fastest admittance to the ER I have ever experienced. The Neurologist had called ahead and they were all expecting me. Wow!

Now, I have officially entered the realm of "interesting and rare diseases." I know when Mike gets a gleam in his eye when a very interesting "case" comes into the hospital. Even though it is a person and these doctors have the utmost respect for human life, what happens while we are living - especially if it is not seen very often - excites some part of them. The neurologist had the gleam. His partner who joined him in my physical exam had the gleam. I was on the road to be diagnosed.
I absolutely loved the thorough, articulate, gentle, objective, honest, and practical explanation of what I had - what I probably have.