Saturday, March 12, 2011

Alas, Anxious for Naught

Once again, my silly worry didn't matter. Anxiety did not bear fruit. Energy used on churning thoughts of "what ifs" and "whys" was not fruitful.

The appointment yesterday went very well, which I am very grateful for.
I have had several specific encouragements this week, which I am very grateful for. (Thank you, if you were one of them!)

One friend said, "just sit and know that you are in His hands."

What a perfect picture of stillness and resting in an anxiety free space. I really held dear to those churning thoughts of worry this week. It's not like when you are in the middle of a worry wheel, you just realize it and jump out. Like a hamster in a wheel, in a cage. It's as if you are holding on to the wheel, and saying, "No, leave me alone in my worry wheel, I'm comfortable here, go your own path. I think I'm gaining control." Yeah, well, the cage hasn't moved but you were moving. Your scene has not changed, but you think you are heading somewhere. The prognosis has not been changed one iota, but all that precious energy, gone and sold, and I really thought I was on to something with all that thinking.

There it is. My worry wasted on nothing. I'm really glad though, because it means we had a good report. Next time, and maybe if I go back and read from November, I will learn not to worry. Could it possibly stop my need for surgery, cure my disease, add a day or moment to my life? Well maybe if I . . . Ok. I'll stop there. :)

My neurologist is great, once again I will say it. Calm and wise, thorough and a listener, interested and answers all of my questions. He is pleased with my progress, I will be increasing the amount of steroid to take, and will pursue surgery within the next few months. I already called the surgeon and have a consultation for the end of March.

Even more so, the obvious providence of how the Lord is orchestrating this is refreshing. It turns out that the Surgeon we were recommended to worked with Mike during his residency, and his son is in a similar field to Mike, and they know each other. The surgeon that my neurologist wanted to originally use had just moved to Texas, so of course I was ready to camp out in the south for this one. Well, the surgeon I am actually going to trained the guy that moved to Texas, and is only about 4 miles away. City miles of course, but a lot closer than Texas. If only I had enough faith to not need these circumstantial moments of confirmation. There I go with "if only" again.

Apparently David had a nice little juxtaposition of worry and faith going on. If you are tracking along with us in Psalms, here's an excerpt from Psalm 43.

5 Why, my soul, are you downcast?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.