Saturday, December 6, 2014


I can tell when a nurse or doctor comes into my hospital room and really has a vested interest in trying to puzzle together my symptoms to make a diagnosis and plan. The opposite is what Mike and I call a check-the-box mentality.  The check-the-box people work as if they are saying to themselves, "okay, I am here.  You're stable.  Great. I'm outta here. Check this one off the list." They have a list and then they go down the list. Done. Purpose: check boxes.  End purpose: finish checking all boxes. Agenda: Check all my boxes so I can get on with my life.

I am just as guilty as those I am secretly blaming for not thoroughly caring for my every whim.  I'm in a neurological critical care unit, a step down from the icu and a step up from the regular hospital floors.  Many of my fellow floor-mates cannot talk or are immobile.  I am here for a swallowing problem, which has miraculously gotten better quickly, and I am itching to be independent. So, when I press that call button and it appears the Saturday night crew is not sold out for my comfort, I start a little attitude brewing.  But really, am I so perfect that I don't blow through my daily living without depth of thought or caring? Absolutely not.  

Plenty of times I have sat in the car line at the school, frantically googling something or calling someone to cram in the information before the kids come into the car. I have grabbed breakfast on the go all too often this past month just treading water to get the kids to school on time. I have rushed through teaching Naomi spelling words because it just has to be done in time for the daily tests and I had been preoccupied with other fluff that came my way. 

I make for myself plenty of chariots and I buy horses to trust in.  I run with perseverance towards plans and ideas, googling and shopping, charting and dreaming.  The problem is, I find much worth in the information I learn and ideas I plot out, and if something round comes along trying to get into my square idea . . . game over.  Even worse, if I have so many things on the docket that I believe need to be done, I lose the quality and grasp on my original missions. 

So, my favorite verse to set my mind straight on this subject is Psalm 20:7, Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the Lord our God.  They collapse and fall, but we rise and stand upright.

I love the solitary time to contemplate this, and the enlightenment that can only come from God giving me understanding and desire to contemplate it. I cannot waste time trusting in my little checked boxes or my cute resident who actually does thoroughly examine me.  Trusting in the treatment and the purified air of the hospital.  For these are excellent for my physical body but the real upright stance comes from trust in the orchestration of the Lord.   For how would they have ever known to purify and love if it were not God who taught them in the first place.